That’s the key word. Focus. I suppose the second word would be balance.
Today in DBT there was a slight moment where someone said they basically wanted us all to shut up because we kept talking over the facilitators (accidentally, there are 3, come on) and that they were there to learn from them, not us (the other members of group). I had to leave and sit on the floor in the bathroom and cry. I had to was my hand 12345678910/123 three times. OCD was in full force. I had to focus so hard for the last half hour, and focus even more on the grounding exercise we did to finish.
I need to focus on school. On my major essays. On my practise. On my music. I need to find a balance. A balance between becoming so stressed that I can’t function anyway, and being so ‘recovery focused’ that I fall behind on my school work.
I’ve realised recently that I’ve been so focused on getting better that I’ve left school behind. I’ve been accepting my pass marks and not working harder to raise them. Now, at a stage where I am out of hospital 2 months, eating a minimum of 1200 a day and engaging actively in therapy, I need to let go of that intense ‘get better’ focus and turn my attention to my future.