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Focus.

That’s the key word. Focus. I suppose the second word would be balance. 

Today in DBT there was a slight moment where someone said they basically wanted us all to shut up because we kept talking over the facilitators (accidentally, there are 3, come on) and that they were there to learn from them, not us (the other members of group). I had to leave and sit on the floor in the bathroom and cry. I had to was my hand 12345678910/123 three times. OCD was in full force. I had to focus so hard for the last half hour, and focus even more on the grounding exercise we did to finish. 

I need to focus on school. On my major essays. On my practise. On my music. I need to find a balance. A balance between becoming so stressed that I can’t function anyway, and being so ‘recovery focused’ that I fall behind on my school work. 

I’ve realised recently that I’ve been so focused on getting better that I’ve left school behind. I’ve been accepting my pass marks and not working harder to raise them. Now, at a stage where I am out of hospital 2 months, eating a minimum of 1200 a day and engaging actively in therapy, I need to let go of that intense ‘get better’ focus and turn my attention to my future. 

Shameless Monday selfies. I’m so bored save me. 

" Depression stole my education.
It stole all my friends,
My motivations,
My dreams,
My future,
My life,
Me. "

It bothers me that I used to be one of those people who could turn up to an exam without much prep and ace it, now, because my brain is so addled with mental illness I have to work my arse off to even pass. 

What bothers me more is that some of my friends are equally as addled and still manage to function and get awesome marks. 

" How many faces, how many bodies can you recognize, with your eyes closed, only by touching them? Have you ever closed your eyes and acted unconsciously? Or loved someone so blindly, you could almost feel their energy in a dark room and be moved by the powerful touch of their ideas? "

- Jean Baudrillard, Journal, 1981 (via whyallcaps)

(via darkobssessions)

" I’ve wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but I still love life. That ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our most pernicious inclinations. What could be more stupid than to persist in carrying a burden that we constantly want to cast off, to hold our existence in horror, yet cling to it nonetheless? "

- Candide, Voltaire (via hansux)

(Source: serotina, via suicidalpudge)

" My pain was never beautiful or poetic. It was answering the phone mid breakdown and laughing like I was fine. "

I just realised that I haven’t taken a ‘I’m no longer relapsing hard’ selfie. My face is fuller. But I looked sooooooooo sick. Ergh. Why did I do that to myself?

" Recovery takes a lot of time, effort, and planning; but staying sick takes your whole life. "